On The Lines

We are often asked how much time we are spending here in Israel. My stock answer until a couple of weeks ago was " Chetzi Chetzi" which means "Half and Half"...it's about right when it comes to describing my life in a time frame but it says very little about what it's like to divide your time between two spaces.

Thanks to my brother in law, I now have a much more elegant and descriptive phrase to use. In Hebrew it's "Al HaKav"... which means "On the Lines" or commuting, .and is really spot on.

Our life situation is very much experienced On the Lines.

As one who tries to practice Mindfulness, my aim is to try and be in the present as much as possible, to live and experience the moment in order to get the maximum out of life. It means focusing on what I am doing in the present without letting my mind flip to thoughts that are either in past and future, it involves concentrating on the now in order to be more productive and to be able to give my full attention to those who are trying to engage with me without being lost in thought. Easier said than done.

Being Al HaKav means that wherever I am, a bit of me is always somewhere else. It's cognitive dissonance, contrary to all that Mindfulness practice dictates, which according to Jon Kabat Zinn's famous book  is interpreted as  " Wherever you go, There You are" . On the other hand, if I didn't practice Mindfulness, it would be so much harder, my body would be in one place while my mind would be elsewhere, not a good recipe for a life well lived.

Somehow the Almighty and the path our life and that of our family has taken dictates that we should be for the time Al Hakav, because we are the filling in the sandwich. Our children and grandchildren live in Israel and my parents and my husbands' ailing mother and sister live in Manchester. Competing demands for time, attention and care, actual and imagined, pull us in both directions... . Until the day that we can be successfully cloned...we will be Al HaKav. For most of the last three weeks, David has been in Manchester and I have been here but it is what it is and there's no point resisting it, we have been where we needed to be. .

A couple of months ago, a good friend of mine gave me some advice that she thought was for my own benefit.  She thought that I should not be posting so much on Social Media, mainly Facebook. She was tired of people commenting to her about my activities ( she's not on FB so wasn't aware of many of them). She felt that I was exposing myself to gossip and judgement. She was partly correct... and I was feeling quite vulnerable at the time, having just made Aliyah very quickly and with no explanation ( which incidentally I didn't and don't owe anyone ). So I tried to take her advice but it's made me feel cut off. The reason I like using FB and social media is precisely because I am Al Hakav... it helps me bridge the gaps and keep in communication with friends and family who I don't always have time to have long telephone chats with...for me it's the perfect way to keep in touch.  So to my friend, I'm truly sorry if you feel that I have let you down... but when you are On the Lines, you have to do everything you can to make sure you don't fall off!

The One about Resistance.

Since returning from Israel, I have been experiencing some very unpleasant gastric reflux, bad enough to wake me up at night. I'm not one for describing physical symptoms but for the purposes of the blog.. I think it's necessary. So I've been feeling nauseous, I've had burning pains in my chest, a dry rasping cough in the morning and last thing at night which prevents me from speaking, and the last few nights a horrible choking feeling that wakes me up.  It's affecting my sleep, I feel exhausted during the day and generally making me feel pretty miserable. 

Then yesterday I started feeling really dizzy and nauseous. It felt like I was on merry go round. I then realised what was going on. I am having a hard time dealing with my MiL at the moment. It's not really her fault, she's not behaving any differently from usual, but I am finding it all quite challenging, more so than usual. The dizziness feels like  "Stop the world, I want to get off!" I am resisting the early morning phone calls, I can't cope with the little crises that seem to happen every day. I seem to have lost my equanimity. I don't understand why. Why am I feeling so resistant and why is it making me feel sick?

Elkhart Tolle writes this about Acceptance and Resistance

"Accept then act. Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it. Make it your friend and ally, not your enemy. This will miraculously transform your whole life.,"

By watching the mechanics of the mind, you step out of its resistance patterns, and you can then allow the present moment to be . This will give you a taste of the state of inner freedom from external conditions, the state of true inner peace. Then see what happens, and take action if necessary or possible. -The Power of Now

So today I accepted that I was sick and that it was probably due to the fact that I have been struggling to deal with my situation. 

I took time out and just did nothing for the day. I rested and meditated and took some medication for the vertigo. I didn't fight it, I just went into it in the hope that I can get over it quickly. I was still and did some inquiry. My MiL is an old lady and she can't help that she does what she does. She's not going to change now, and the only thing I can do is what I'm doing now, although sometimes it's really difficult. She depends on me to make all the decisions about her life and although I am not the one who cares for her physical needs, I deal with everything else. I can't remember the last time went to sleep without  one ear listening for the phone. 

I write all of this because I am sure that so many of us go through situations like this on a regular basis and we make our own suffering worse, or even make ourselves suffer for no apparent reason. We are capable of waking up,out of thought, dissolving the pain body and caring for ourselves. It's hard work but it's possible and if we practise doing it on the small stuff, hopefully when the big stuff comes along we will,be prepared!!  I'm realising that there's no quick fix ans this is a life's' work! 

The One about Acceptance

I am the woman who cries on the plane. I do this on quite a regular basis. The reason is quite simple. I cry for what I am leaving and the thoughts of what I am going to. I am lost in  thought.

Today I am leaving Israel after spending a month with my children and grandchildren.  David & I took care of our little ones while their parents went away for much needed breaks. We had a really busy time and managed  to  continue building strong and loving relationships with them. 

Now I sit in the plane as it returns me back to England and my other life there. Tomorrow I will take my mother in law to an appointment at the asthma clinic. She hasn't been well while we've been away and I'm worried.  We are supposed to be bringing her with us on our next visit to Israel but I'm not sure she's fit enough to make the journey. If she can't come she'll be devastated, she's been so looking forward to seeing her great grandchildren. 

So you can see how easy it is to be swept along on a current of sad and anxious thoughts, rocking there and back between past and future. The only difference in me now is that I am aware of it. I know that the only way to deal with this is to accept the reality, even if I don't like it. To live in the present and just deal with one thing at a time. To keep the rudder steady and focus. 

So I sit in my seat, strapped in as we hurtle through the sky and I start to meditate. After all what else is there to do? It's a perfect opportunity. 

I want to talk about the process of getting to the point of acceptance because it's what gets me through and helps me cope.  It may help you too. 

So I start deep breathing, in for a count of 6, hold for 4, out for 5. Repeat 10 times. I find that putting two fingers to my chest against my heart helps me to feel calmer while I breathe.

Then breathe regularly for about two minutes or more if it feels right, just following the breath, one at a time, nothing else to do. 

It's time to tune in to my emotions and give these feelings names so I can face up to them.

Breathe, I'm feeling sad: silent tears pour down my face. Breathe, I'm feeling scared, my stomach clenches.  I try to be kind to myself and  understand that of course I feel like that, I'm only human. I go deep into the feelings, which is hard sitting on a plane surrounded by people but I have to do this in order to move on.  I need to understand and make friends with my feelings and just allow them to pass through me, resistance is futile! 

Ok, I'm calming down, the breathing is helping. I know that whatever happens tomorrow and tomorrow, I will be able to deal with it. There is no choice for me here, this is my life....and I don't ever want to have regrets that I didn't do it right and that I didn't do what I could. I am trying to accept what I can't change. That's all there is. 

Hopefully in a few weeks we will be returning, maybe we won't..the only way to take it is one breath at a time....

Postscript

I took my Mother in Law to her appointment and it transpired that she has been using the wrong inhaler for her asthma, which accounts for her struggling for breath for the last couple of months. She now has a new inhaler and its making a such a big difference that its completely changed her mood.

I feel better and am trying to readjust to my other life by being in the now and focusing on here not there!

The One about Vulnerabilty

I found myself in a very vulnerable situation yesterday. The electric roller blind on our balcony broke, leaving me trapped on the balcony for half an hour. We were about to go out and I tried to shut the blind but it got stuck. I crawled out onto the balcony through a small pace between the blind and the floor and tried to see why it was stuck. It had jammed on a chair that was too close to the window. As  I moved the chair,  the blind slammed down and hit the floor with a bang. David was on the other side of the window  in the living room and he  tried to open the blind with the switch but it wouldn't budge. I was stuck outside and the sun was beating down. He tried to open the blind manually but I t didn't work. 

So there we were, David trying to work out how to get help and me trying to stay calm because I knew that panicking would not help my situation. It was not a time for cloudy thinking! 

When you are under stress your body produces a hormone called cortisol, which is very good if you want to run away from a lion that's chasing you in the Kalahari Desert but not so good if you are trying to think logically because it causes cloudy thinking. There was nothing I could do out there but wait, shouting and banging on the blind would just bring on more stress. So I decided to sit on the floor and meditate. I focused on my breath and closed my eyes and tried to calm down. I tried to think about how things could be worse, I could be on my own, the front door could be locked, I could be without water. My phone was inside, note to self to take phone out on balcony at all times! 

Meanwhile, David had called in our neighbour. After about half an hour of pushing and pulling they managed to get a couple of screwdrivers wedged underneath the blind and then managed to force it up about one and half feet  and I had to crawl underneath to get back in the apartment. 

 

So what can you do when you feel vulnerable and have absolutely no control over your situation and are totally dependant on others to get you out. 

Accept it. There's no point in fighting a situation you can't change. You don't have to like it, you can try to get help and sort out the problem, so you can be proactive and take positive action  but don't resist it. 

If there's nothing you can do, breathe.  Take some deep breaths, then close your eyes and breathe in and out slowly, following the breath.  If you focus on the breath, you are not thinking too much and hopefully calming down. This will give you some headspace. The headspace will clear the fog and help you to think more clearly. In that space, you will be able to find solutions.

Don't blame yourself, don't beat yourself up and try not to feel ashamed. If you feel any of these emotions, accept them but don't play with the thoughts or wind yourself up, they will not change your situation and can make you feel worse. 

Out there, on the balcony in the blazing sunshine, I had a fleeting thought that I may be stuck there for a long time and I felt silly for moving the chair which allowed the blind to come slamming down. I then realised that none of these thoughts and feelings would get me off the balcony and the best thing I could do was have faith that I would be rescued and be calm so that the rescuer would be the same and therefore think more clearly.

The One about Gratitude

Everything that I write about is a product of my direct experience. Although I have read many books about mindfulness and healthy emotional living, I won't refer to anything unless I have practised it, internalised it or lived it. This is not a blog about theory, it's a blog about life and how I have managed to change the way I think, perceive and deal with the things are thrown at me! 

When it comes to gratitude, the last thing I want to do is preach about it, but I honestly believe that practising it on a daily basis is an essential part of a healthy emotional approach to life. 

A couple of years ago, I was having a very hard time and was on the verge of breaking down. I was under extreme stress for a variety of reasons. It got to the point where I was so low mentally that I believed that I was totally on my own with my troubles and that no one cared or was interested in helping me. At  precisely at that point,  an extremely wise and perceptive friend got involved, performed what I can only call an intervention and persuaded me to get some medical help. That worked well until I came off the medication when I thought I was strong enough and tried to go it alone. It was too soon, and I gradually spiralled back into depression and anxiety again because of the external stressors in my life. I had another crisis, and reached out to a relation who was also a life coach and counselor. He spent a lot of time supporting me and set me on the path that I still walk today. He helped me to  realise that it was not anyone's responsibility to heal me, I had to do it myself and that was the only way it could be sustained, through hard painful soul searching and the examination of my beliefs and thought processes. 

I must be very clear that the emotional problems I was suffering from were not of the clinical type, they were brought on purely by being under extreme external stress. The path that I walk is not one I would counsel anyone to take on if they have serious  mental health problems. For that, one must always seek professional help. However the journey to mindfulness worked for me. I embarked on a period of introspection, meditation and self healing. A year down the line and I can honestly say I am whole again. I must confess that I have a blip every now and again but I usually recover very quickly. 

So where does gratitude come in?  Firstly to the people who intervened out of love. I will never forget them, and will be eternally grateful. 

Secondly, when you hit rock bottom, practising gratitude teaches you that you are not unsupported even if you believe it to be true. 

So,what do you do when you wake up in the middle of the night feeling totally alone and unsupported, even if there is someone in the bed next to you? Or you feel let down by someone you thought you could count on and that leads you to the conclusion that no one cares about you? 

Breathe. Are you breathing now, or are you being breathed? If you stop breathing what happens? Your body kicks in and makes you breathe again, saving your life. So first of all your body is a most incredible support system. Even if you are ill, as long as your body breathes it is supporting you. That deserves gratitude, we should not take breathing for granted. 

Do you have a roof over your head? Many people don't.  In my work as Magistrate, I regularly come across homeless people who live on the street. So if you have a home to live in, that is something to be grateful for. 

Do you have regular meals? Can you afford to buy food? That is something to be thankful for. There are more and more people who have to rely on food banks these days. 

Do you have clean clothes to wear? There are many people who carry their possessions around in carrier bags and have no means to wash or replace them. 

Do you have someone who you care for? Even one soul that you love is something to be grateful for.  Does anyone care for you? Think about your friends or relations or both. Can you count one person who loves you? If you can, it's something to be grateful for.

Do you say thank you every time someone does something supportive for you? Do you say thank you to the Universe, or G-d or your body or whichever belief system you subscribe to when you wake up in the morning? It's an incredibly powerful thing to do. 

Whatever you give out comes back to you. Once I really started practising gratitude I was amazed at the wonderful little things that happened each day. It can be really challenging to do this to begin with especially when you feel you have nothing at all to give but a smile and a thank you costs nothing.....and it's a start. 

 

The One Where you Wake Up in a Panic in the Middle of the Night

"When we we are in a State of Panic, it is very difficult to focus our minds on the healing work. We have to take time out to dissolve the fears first" -Louise Hay-You Can Heal Your Life.

It's taken quite a lot of time over the past year or so to learn how to dissolve my fears in the depth of the night and mostly I'm quite calm but on Friday at 2am, I woke up suddenly with my heart pounding in my chest.

I lay there in the dark wondering what had triggered this. I then realised that it was the usual anxiety about my Mother in Law who had told us earlier in the day that she was feeling quite unwell. I am in Israel at the moment, where we are spending time with our children and grandchildren, who all live here. My Mother in Law is in Manchester. We spend about 60% of our time in Manchester and 40% in Jerusalem, where we have our second home. In Manchester I am the Primary Care Giver of my Mother in Law which means I am responsible for organising all her health and social care. I'm sure more of this will come up as I continue with this blog, but enough for now. 

Back to the panic attack.....having realised what had triggered it I then spent about ten minutes running through the most stressful and frightening scenarios I could think of, all involving my return to Manchester. What I was doing was scaring myself silly! This had to stop. All my mindfulness training had gone down the plug hole and I was lost in thought. 

What can you do when faced with fear in the middle of the night that has taken you by surprise? It takes a plan of action and hard work but it's vital to have these skills. This is what I do. 

1. Breathe. Stop thinking and focus on the breath. Take a long breath in while counting up to eight, hold the breath for four counts, exhale for six counts. Do this ten times. If you can, place the second and third finger of your right hand on your chest, just over your heart so your energy and intention is directed there. By the time you have got to ten cycles, hopefully your heart rate will have slowed down and your body and mind will feel calmer too. 

2. Now take some normal breaths for a minute or two, just focusing on the in breath and then the out breath. Every time you realise your mind is wandering, go back to the breath. 

3. Imagine you are in a body scanner and  very slowly, from the top of your head to the end of your toes, focus on each part of your body bit by bit. If you feel any discomfort or pain, just notice it. Don't judge it or think to much about it. Just say to yourself, oh, I have a buzzing in my right ear, or oh, I have a twinge in my lower back. That is all. Focus on your body and every time you become aware that you are lost in thought, go back to the scan. 

4. Go back to the breathing again for another minute or so.

Hopefully by then you will have calmed down enough to be able to go back to sleep, if not, repeat all over again. If you still can't sleep, get up, make yourself a drink and read something a bit lightweight until you feel tired and ready to drop off. This is not the time to analyse your thoughts and feelings, it's time for you to care for yourself and give your mind a break! 

The important thing is not to get lost your in your thoughts or to overidentify with your mind. You are not your thoughts, they pop in and out of your head with no input at all. You don't have to believe everything you think. It's really important to know that. When I began to realise that not everything my mind was telling me was true, I felt such a sense of freedom and happiness. I didn't think it was possible! 

I know that I am not immune from waking up in fear in the middle of the night, but at least I know how to deal with it now. You too can dissolve the fear that scares the daylights out of  you, it just takes a bit of work but it's worth it! 

David's Diagnosis

This is not the journal I anticipated writing but I must because I need to record everything that happens from now on.

David has had a diagnosis of  prostate cancer. There, I've written it so it's true. Hopefully it's been identified in its' very early stages but the truth is that until we see the oncologist, we won't really know.

The biopsy results show that one half of the prostate is normal, that is of six samples, none showed any cancer cells but the in the other half, four out of six samples had cancer, a Gleason of 3+3, which taken together with his last PSA gives him a T1 diagnosis. This means it's borderline and that there is a chance that if we were to do nothing, nothing may happen, but it's a risk.

In any case the prostate is very enlarged at 190ml so something will have to be done to prevent any bladder problems in the future. The consultant thinks the bleeding he has had on occasion, the investigation of which has brought us to this, is a symptom of his large vascular prostate.

We are waiting for our first appointment with the oncologist, when we will be given options, none are particularly pleasant and I am so scared. Living in limbo is horrible and I am finding it hard to concentrate on anything. This is a journey I did not expect but I need to write it as it happens because one day I will look back and say "we beat it" .