That Was the Week That Was

It's been a pretty significant week in my life, I thought I would be able to write it as one experience at a time but time took over so I will have to write about it retrospectively.

Last Thursday night and Friday I observed the 29th anniversary of my mother's passing away, the Jewish/Yiddish term for it is Yahrzeit. You would think that the 30th anniversary would be more significant but in my case it isn't. The reason for this is that my mother died in 1982 at the age of 44 from breast cancer. The day immediately after the Yahrzeit, last Saturday, I celebrated my 50th birthday, something my mother never managed to attain, so the whole experience has been bitter-sweet for me.

As the anniversaries approached I became keenly aware of the huge gap that exists in my life. My mother died when I was 20, just a week before my 21st birthday and the last year of her life was overshadowed by  her illness. I never really had the chance to develop a truly adult relationship with her, moreover she never experienced the joy of being a grandmother and to see her her beautiful grandchildren (my three boys and my sister's two girls and two boys) growing up. There was a lot to mourn and regret.

At the same time I have been incredibly fortunate. I managed to get into a screening program so I am checked up every year, something  that wan't available to my mother ( we had no idea at that time that there was a family history. Subsequent to my mother's diagnosis, my aunt, grandmother and two great aunts were all diagnosed with breast cancer. ) I married young to a very special man, completed my family by the time I was 30 and have grown up with my boys. Two of our sons are married, we have a beautiful granddaughter and we are expecting another grandchild very soon. I am very grateful that I have been able to experience the joys that were denied to my mother but I wish she was here to share them with me, my reference point is missing.

I wish she had been there to celebrate my 50th birthday with me, (she would be 73 had she lived). I got over the sadness of the Yahrzeit and rose to meet my birthday clapping and singing. I dedicated my birthday to my mother; I had a small lunch with my family and closest friends and then left it to my friends to decide what to do with the rest of the day, I was not really in a place where I wanted to make myself a party. So they did; and with the help of my amazing husband David, they made a wonderful surprise party for me to celebrate with  a few dear friends who have shared life's ups and downs with us for the last 25-30 years or so. It was the best birthday ever, a memory to truly cherish.

From the heights of my birthday back to mourning again. On Monday night and Tuesday, we observed Tisha B'Av which is the commemoration of the destruction of the 1st and 2nd Temples in Jerusalem and other calamities which have befallen the Jewish people, such as the Crusades, the Expulsion from Spain and of course the Holocaust. It is an intense 25 hours of fasting and introspection, the culmination of a 3 week period of mourning where we don't enjoy public entertainment or have haircuts and  in addition, for the last nine days haven't eaten eat meat or drunk wine. On Monday night I watched the TV in absolute horror as I saw anarchy overwhelm London and watched it burn. It made me think of the Temple burning down and the Romans sacking Jerusalem and I empathised with the victims of the mindless brutality which was happening before our eyes. Last night, as we broke the fast, I watched my own city of Manchester come under attack by opportunists looking to cause destruction, looting and arson. I was horrified to watch a young brute intentionally set fire to a shop in the city centre, just 6 miles from my home. I could not believe my eyes. What had the world come to? My son called me up from Jerusalem and said "Mummy, why don't you come and live here, it's much safer."

I'm seriously thinking about it.

This post is dedicated to Esther Kay, Feb 17th 1938- July 25th 1982

The Greater Good?

I went to a meeting last night convened by some of the great and good in our community with the aim of organising a conference for an extremely good cause.

I have never been to such a toxic and hostile gathering in my life and I have been involved in rather a lot of committees over the past few years.

The main objective of the group was admirable and necessary but they came to the meeting totally bogged down with their own agendas and motives so much so that the big picture was completely lost in the details. I accept that some of the details were important and needed to be discussed before progress could be made, but nothing much happened at all because the atmosphere was so negative and  it was very difficult to negotiate because of the all the personalities and agendas involved. I came out of the meeting feeling despondent and my equilibrium was completely disturbed, I felt physically sick.

I received an email this morning which confirmed what I think I had decided last night, this project is not for me. I am a peace loving person, I believe in the greater good and in doing good and have spent most of my adult life involved in one organisation or another trying to achieve this.

On encountering this group of highly intelligent, highly motivated and genuinely involved people unable to set aside their political or religious affiliations and regional differences and agendas, who totally failed to keep their focus on the main objectives despite their desire to do good, I couldn't in all good faith get involved. The personal cost would be just too high, sometimes you have to say no...