I took part in my first ever panel discussion last night, organized by a local synagogue. I have to admit that I was not the first choice, I was the substitute for our new local Jewish TV celebrity who had to back out for personal reasons. She is also my friend and I was very pleased to be asked to fill the breach.
David spent the whole weekend firing questions at me to prepare me and I must admit he did a very good job and I felt quite jaunty and confident about the whole thing until about an hour before, when I started to feel sick. The rest of the panel including the Chairman were a pretty erudite group, all have at least one degree if not more and are experts in their fields. I have a degree in the University of Life, I dropped out of college when my mother became ill and never went back after she died. I had kids, raised my family and got involved in other things, the time was never right to go back. So I suddenly had this huge crisis of confidence, why had I been asked to do this, surely they could have chosen someone far more qualified than me? But there I was and it was too late.
My sons found it very amusing that I had been asked to join the panel; they just couldn't understand why people would want to fire general questions on current affairs at a random group of panellists. My oldest son explained that if he had a query he would ask a specialist, why would people be interested in my opinion on things? Well that was a great confidence booster!
It didn't help that one of the other panellists had been unavoidably delayed and only arrived for the second half, which left me and the other two, comprising one of the most senior and respected Rabbis in our community and the Director of Community Services from the United Synagogue, who had come from London for the event. I was outnumbered. As the Chairman read out my modest CV to the audience I sat there, terrified.
The first question was OK, it was about the impact of Social Media on the recent riots, and the questioner asked if Facebook and Twitter should have been shut down. That was OK, I know a fair bit about Social Media and I didn't agree that it should be shut down, why punish millions of innocent users because of the abusers. It seemed to go down quite well. I started to enjoy myself.
It's very hard in these situations when unseen questions are fired at you. You have to very quickly construct an argument and deliver it cogently and clearly and in hindsight there's always something else you could have added. When I got home, I spent the rest of the night thinking of all the things I didn't say and could have kicked myself about.
All in all it was a good experience and a learning curve, I realised that despite my self doubt, I was quite capable of holding my own and I wouldn't mind doing it again...
Monday, September 12, 2011
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
One good deed...
I was driving to the Magistrates court yesterday, it was my first day back on the bench rota after my summer break. I happened to tune in to Radio 4 and started listening to one of the saddest interviews I have ever heard. It was a tragic story about a profoundly disabled woman and the trials and tribulations that had beset her throughout her life. Every time she thought she had found happiness, tragedy struck her again, until she lost her faith.
I started wondering why some people are dealt such a rotten hand in life and at the same time felt obligated to say brief prayer of gratitude. I have had a lovely summer, with two fantastic 50th birthday celebrations, surrounded by friends and family, I have lot to feel grateful for. Then I started thinking " I wonder what's around the corner?" I didn't have to wait too long.
I drove down into the underground car park and swung effortlessly into a parking bay. As I drove in, a woman in an MPV struggled to park in the adjacent space; she rolled down her window and shouted "Lucky You, driving a Mini!" I started to worry that maybe I was too lucky, and that I should leave this large parking bay available for someone with a larger car and that I should park in a smaller one. So I did, I reversed out of my lovely space and found a smaller one, only to collide with a large cement column as I swung in, knocking off the wheel arch cover and giving the front bumper a really good bashing. So much for altruism!
Did I tempt fate? Was I asking to be tested? Did I feel guilty for everything I had when this poor woman on the radio had so little? I suppose the answer is "Yes" to all of it. Have I learned anything? Apart from "Don't be a Twit in a Carpark", I should have stopped at the prayer of gratitude, it was enough.
I started wondering why some people are dealt such a rotten hand in life and at the same time felt obligated to say brief prayer of gratitude. I have had a lovely summer, with two fantastic 50th birthday celebrations, surrounded by friends and family, I have lot to feel grateful for. Then I started thinking " I wonder what's around the corner?" I didn't have to wait too long.
I drove down into the underground car park and swung effortlessly into a parking bay. As I drove in, a woman in an MPV struggled to park in the adjacent space; she rolled down her window and shouted "Lucky You, driving a Mini!" I started to worry that maybe I was too lucky, and that I should leave this large parking bay available for someone with a larger car and that I should park in a smaller one. So I did, I reversed out of my lovely space and found a smaller one, only to collide with a large cement column as I swung in, knocking off the wheel arch cover and giving the front bumper a really good bashing. So much for altruism!
Did I tempt fate? Was I asking to be tested? Did I feel guilty for everything I had when this poor woman on the radio had so little? I suppose the answer is "Yes" to all of it. Have I learned anything? Apart from "Don't be a Twit in a Carpark", I should have stopped at the prayer of gratitude, it was enough.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
That Was the Week That Was
It's been a pretty significant week in my life, I thought I would be able to write it as one experience at a time but time took over so I will have to write about it retrospectively.
Last Thursday night and Friday I observed the 29th anniversary of my mother's passing away, the Jewish/Yiddish term for it is Yahrzeit. You would think that the 30th anniversary would be more significant but in my case it isn't. The reason for this is that my mother died in 1982 at the age of 44 from breast cancer. The day immediately after the Yahrzeit, last Saturday, I celebrated my 50th birthday, something my mother never managed to attain, so the whole experience has been bitter-sweet for me.
As the anniversaries approached I became keenly aware of the huge gap that exists in my life. My mother died when I was 20, just a week before my 21st birthday and the last year of her life was overshadowed by her illness. I never really had the chance to develop a truly adult relationship with her, moreover she never experienced the joy of being a grandmother and to see her her beautiful grandchildren (my three boys and my sister's two girls and two boys) growing up. There was a lot to mourn and regret.
At the same time I have been incredibly fortunate. I managed to get into a screening program so I am checked up every year, something that wan't available to my mother ( we had no idea at that time that there was a family history. Subsequent to my mother's diagnosis, my aunt, grandmother and two great aunts were all diagnosed with breast cancer. ) I married young to a very special man, completed my family by the time I was 30 and have grown up with my boys. Two of our sons are married, we have a beautiful granddaughter and we are expecting another grandchild very soon. I am very grateful that I have been able to experience the joys that were denied to my mother but I wish she was here to share them with me, my reference point is missing.
I wish she had been there to celebrate my 50th birthday with me, (she would be 73 had she lived). I got over the sadness of the Yahrzeit and rose to meet my birthday clapping and singing. I dedicated my birthday to my mother; I had a small lunch with my family and closest friends and then left it to my friends to decide what to do with the rest of the day, I was not really in a place where I wanted to make myself a party. So they did; and with the help of my amazing husband David, they made a wonderful surprise party for me to celebrate with a few dear friends who have shared life's ups and downs with us for the last 25-30 years or so. It was the best birthday ever, a memory to truly cherish.
From the heights of my birthday back to mourning again. On Monday night and Tuesday, we observed Tisha B'Av which is the commemoration of the destruction of the 1st and 2nd Temples in Jerusalem and other calamities which have befallen the Jewish people, such as the Crusades, the Expulsion from Spain and of course the Holocaust. It is an intense 25 hours of fasting and introspection, the culmination of a 3 week period of mourning where we don't enjoy public entertainment or have haircuts and in addition, for the last nine days haven't eaten eat meat or drunk wine. On Monday night I watched the TV in absolute horror as I saw anarchy overwhelm London and watched it burn. It made me think of the Temple burning down and the Romans sacking Jerusalem and I empathised with the victims of the mindless brutality which was happening before our eyes. Last night, as we broke the fast, I watched my own city of Manchester come under attack by opportunists looking to cause destruction, looting and arson. I was horrified to watch a young brute intentionally set fire to a shop in the city centre, just 6 miles from my home. I could not believe my eyes. What had the world come to? My son called me up from Jerusalem and said "Mummy, why don't you come and live here, it's much safer."
I'm seriously thinking about it.
This post is dedicated to Esther Kay, Feb 17th 1938- July 25th 1982
Last Thursday night and Friday I observed the 29th anniversary of my mother's passing away, the Jewish/Yiddish term for it is Yahrzeit. You would think that the 30th anniversary would be more significant but in my case it isn't. The reason for this is that my mother died in 1982 at the age of 44 from breast cancer. The day immediately after the Yahrzeit, last Saturday, I celebrated my 50th birthday, something my mother never managed to attain, so the whole experience has been bitter-sweet for me.
As the anniversaries approached I became keenly aware of the huge gap that exists in my life. My mother died when I was 20, just a week before my 21st birthday and the last year of her life was overshadowed by her illness. I never really had the chance to develop a truly adult relationship with her, moreover she never experienced the joy of being a grandmother and to see her her beautiful grandchildren (my three boys and my sister's two girls and two boys) growing up. There was a lot to mourn and regret.
At the same time I have been incredibly fortunate. I managed to get into a screening program so I am checked up every year, something that wan't available to my mother ( we had no idea at that time that there was a family history. Subsequent to my mother's diagnosis, my aunt, grandmother and two great aunts were all diagnosed with breast cancer. ) I married young to a very special man, completed my family by the time I was 30 and have grown up with my boys. Two of our sons are married, we have a beautiful granddaughter and we are expecting another grandchild very soon. I am very grateful that I have been able to experience the joys that were denied to my mother but I wish she was here to share them with me, my reference point is missing.
I wish she had been there to celebrate my 50th birthday with me, (she would be 73 had she lived). I got over the sadness of the Yahrzeit and rose to meet my birthday clapping and singing. I dedicated my birthday to my mother; I had a small lunch with my family and closest friends and then left it to my friends to decide what to do with the rest of the day, I was not really in a place where I wanted to make myself a party. So they did; and with the help of my amazing husband David, they made a wonderful surprise party for me to celebrate with a few dear friends who have shared life's ups and downs with us for the last 25-30 years or so. It was the best birthday ever, a memory to truly cherish.
From the heights of my birthday back to mourning again. On Monday night and Tuesday, we observed Tisha B'Av which is the commemoration of the destruction of the 1st and 2nd Temples in Jerusalem and other calamities which have befallen the Jewish people, such as the Crusades, the Expulsion from Spain and of course the Holocaust. It is an intense 25 hours of fasting and introspection, the culmination of a 3 week period of mourning where we don't enjoy public entertainment or have haircuts and in addition, for the last nine days haven't eaten eat meat or drunk wine. On Monday night I watched the TV in absolute horror as I saw anarchy overwhelm London and watched it burn. It made me think of the Temple burning down and the Romans sacking Jerusalem and I empathised with the victims of the mindless brutality which was happening before our eyes. Last night, as we broke the fast, I watched my own city of Manchester come under attack by opportunists looking to cause destruction, looting and arson. I was horrified to watch a young brute intentionally set fire to a shop in the city centre, just 6 miles from my home. I could not believe my eyes. What had the world come to? My son called me up from Jerusalem and said "Mummy, why don't you come and live here, it's much safer."
I'm seriously thinking about it.
This post is dedicated to Esther Kay, Feb 17th 1938- July 25th 1982
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
The Greater Good?
I went to a meeting last night convened by some of the great and good in our community with the aim of organising a conference for an extremely good cause.
I have never been to such a toxic and hostile gathering in my life and I have been involved in rather a lot of committees over the past few years.
The main objective of the group was admirable and necessary but they came to the meeting totally bogged down with their own agendas and motives so much so that the big picture was completely lost in the details. I accept that some of the details were important and needed to be discussed before progress could be made, but nothing much happened at all because the atmosphere was so negative and it was very difficult to negotiate because of the all the personalities and agendas involved. I came out of the meeting feeling despondent and my equilibrium was completely disturbed, I felt physically sick.
I received an email this morning which confirmed what I think I had decided last night, this project is not for me. I am a peace loving person, I believe in the greater good and in doing good and have spent most of my adult life involved in one organisation or another trying to achieve this.
On encountering this group of highly intelligent, highly motivated and genuinely involved people unable to set aside their political or religious affiliations and regional differences and agendas, who totally failed to keep their focus on the main objectives despite their desire to do good, I couldn't in all good faith get involved. The personal cost would be just too high, sometimes you have to say no...
I have never been to such a toxic and hostile gathering in my life and I have been involved in rather a lot of committees over the past few years.
The main objective of the group was admirable and necessary but they came to the meeting totally bogged down with their own agendas and motives so much so that the big picture was completely lost in the details. I accept that some of the details were important and needed to be discussed before progress could be made, but nothing much happened at all because the atmosphere was so negative and it was very difficult to negotiate because of the all the personalities and agendas involved. I came out of the meeting feeling despondent and my equilibrium was completely disturbed, I felt physically sick.
I received an email this morning which confirmed what I think I had decided last night, this project is not for me. I am a peace loving person, I believe in the greater good and in doing good and have spent most of my adult life involved in one organisation or another trying to achieve this.
On encountering this group of highly intelligent, highly motivated and genuinely involved people unable to set aside their political or religious affiliations and regional differences and agendas, who totally failed to keep their focus on the main objectives despite their desire to do good, I couldn't in all good faith get involved. The personal cost would be just too high, sometimes you have to say no...
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Mrs Facebook
I am a social networking addict. There, I've said it. I just can't help it, I love Facebook, Twitter and more recently, Google+.
I didn't realise quite how much stuff I was posting until someone stopped me in the supermarket and saidt "Hello Mrs Facebook, you've been getting around a lot!" I must admit I was quite taken aback and since then I've had quite a few more comments thrown my way of a similar ilk.
So, what to do? Do I ignore the comments about my frequent Facebook presence or has the time come for me to justify my Facebook habit? After all what I choose to post and the emphasis here is definitely on my choice, is my decision and the truth is that I won't post anything that I feel doesn't have a place in the public domain. I have a strictly private and family life that is not up for discussion at all. I post what I want people to see or what I think they will find interesting or funny.
We lead a global life in this, the second decade of the 21st century. I have friends and family all over the world, it's impossible to keep in touch with everyone on an individual basis all the time. Facebook allows me to share news, views, photos and interests, send birthday wishes, greetings, even condolences with the people in my life and on the periphery. I have rekindled friendships with people that I lost touch with over the years, I even belong to a photographic group where we share and critique our pictures on a weekly basis.
What I want to say to those who think maybe I'm making my life too public, or sharing my location with too frequently is this; if you don't like me block me! You can choose not to have me in your life. I love Facebook and I have no intention of signing off just yet...
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Barbie Doll Chicken
My 15 year old nephew has been staying with us for a few days and I have been trying to keep him amused. I'm uncertain about what he thinks of me even though I've been trying very hard, maybe too hard to be cool...
Last Wednesday I picked him up at the station and decided to show him round town. We were walking round the shops when I came upon a trendy card shop. I love card shops and I really enjoy reading funny and inappropriate greetings cards and the more toilet humour in them the better. I have a couple of friends who share my card habit and we like nothing more than to stand in Clinton Cards laughing till tears run down our faces. So there I was in this particular shop perusing the cards and having a jolly good laugh. I had found a really hilarious card and without thinking I gave it to my nephew. "Just look at this one!" I said, regretting it as the words left my mouth. His face was a mask of uncomprehending horror, how could his Aunt do this to him, how embarrassing could she be? I realized that I had made a BIG mistake...this was not cool, I was acting like the15 year old teenager giggling in the card shop and he was the adult!
Mistake two was on Friday. I had cooked chickens for dinner and noted, while cleaning them that they were a bit deformed. They had huge breasts with tiny little spindly thighs and legs and they looked as if they had been given silicon implants. Actually I think they must get injected with some kind of hormones to give them big juicy breasts, which isn't really fair because in our family we like dark chicken and I would much rather have a chicken with big juicy thighs and small breasts.
We had guests for dinner including my best friend and her husband. Now my best friend is one of my greetings card shop buddies and we share the same sense of humour. A few years ago we went to see the film Johnny English with our kids and laughed so hard and so loud that our kids moved to the other side of the cinema in order to distance themselves from us. Anyway, back to Friday night and I was serving the chicken. My friends are breast people and I commented that they happened to be particularly large that evening, I said, "Do you know these chickens look like Barbie Dolls, they have huge boobs and tiny little thighs." My friend fell about laughing and my 15 year old nephew looked at me with disdain and horror..again!
My mother- in -law has made it an art to be embarrassing in public, she thinks nothing of repeating the rude jokes that her niece emails to her, no matter who the company is! I think she does it because she doesn't want to disappear. I don't blame her, I can see how easy it is to just drift into being old and becoming grayer and grayer until you blend in with the walls. She is saying "I'm still here, don't ignore me!" I really admire her despite sometimes being excruciatingly embarrassed by her, she is fighting old age like a tiger.
So I'm going to keep giggling in card shops, snorting in cinemas and making remarks about chickens' anatomies and who cares if it's not cool!
Last Wednesday I picked him up at the station and decided to show him round town. We were walking round the shops when I came upon a trendy card shop. I love card shops and I really enjoy reading funny and inappropriate greetings cards and the more toilet humour in them the better. I have a couple of friends who share my card habit and we like nothing more than to stand in Clinton Cards laughing till tears run down our faces. So there I was in this particular shop perusing the cards and having a jolly good laugh. I had found a really hilarious card and without thinking I gave it to my nephew. "Just look at this one!" I said, regretting it as the words left my mouth. His face was a mask of uncomprehending horror, how could his Aunt do this to him, how embarrassing could she be? I realized that I had made a BIG mistake...this was not cool, I was acting like the15 year old teenager giggling in the card shop and he was the adult!
Mistake two was on Friday. I had cooked chickens for dinner and noted, while cleaning them that they were a bit deformed. They had huge breasts with tiny little spindly thighs and legs and they looked as if they had been given silicon implants. Actually I think they must get injected with some kind of hormones to give them big juicy breasts, which isn't really fair because in our family we like dark chicken and I would much rather have a chicken with big juicy thighs and small breasts.
We had guests for dinner including my best friend and her husband. Now my best friend is one of my greetings card shop buddies and we share the same sense of humour. A few years ago we went to see the film Johnny English with our kids and laughed so hard and so loud that our kids moved to the other side of the cinema in order to distance themselves from us. Anyway, back to Friday night and I was serving the chicken. My friends are breast people and I commented that they happened to be particularly large that evening, I said, "Do you know these chickens look like Barbie Dolls, they have huge boobs and tiny little thighs." My friend fell about laughing and my 15 year old nephew looked at me with disdain and horror..again!
My mother- in -law has made it an art to be embarrassing in public, she thinks nothing of repeating the rude jokes that her niece emails to her, no matter who the company is! I think she does it because she doesn't want to disappear. I don't blame her, I can see how easy it is to just drift into being old and becoming grayer and grayer until you blend in with the walls. She is saying "I'm still here, don't ignore me!" I really admire her despite sometimes being excruciatingly embarrassed by her, she is fighting old age like a tiger.
So I'm going to keep giggling in card shops, snorting in cinemas and making remarks about chickens' anatomies and who cares if it's not cool!
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
The first post..musings on absentmindedness
I've done the teenage angst, I've brought up three boys and they have all fled the nest. I'm just about to turn 50 (on August 6) so what's next? I am now over the hill waiting for decrepitude to set in or is life just about to get interesting?
The purpose of this blog is to record and analyse the next phase on my life, and to see what happens next...
I can't decide whether my absent mindedness is a cute character trait or just damned annoying. Sometimes it's so bad that I'm convinced that Alzheimers is setting in and I think that I should start leaving little Post-Its round the house to remind me of all the things I shouldn't be forgetting.
I left my iPhone charger in the Thistle hotel at Heathrow airport on Sunday morning, which was a particularly silly thing to do considering that I am addicted to my phone. The thought of a dead battery, no Facebook, no Twitter, and no Angry Birds was too much to bear. Eventually the very nice receptionist at the Queens Hotel in Brighton very kindly allowed me to borrow her charger as long as I left the phone at the desk (hidden of course), so a potential disaster was averted. As soon as I got my fully charged phone back, I downloaded the Amazon app and ordered a new charger.
I am also a little clumsy..I've never been a particularly dexterous person but my propensity towards dropping or spilling things seems to be getting worse. At the wedding reception we were attending in Brighton, I managed to spill something greasy on my beautiful turquoise silk camisole. I had to go to the Ladies where I managed to sponge it down with soap and water and was then left with a huge wet patch spreading across my chest. What else was there do to but position my bosom under the electric hand dryer and turn it on so a jet of hot air would dry the offending marks. It goes without saying that someone walked in while I was standing there, and gave me a very odd look. However it was effective and I managed to preserve my dignity and take my place at the table for the rest of the meal.
The question is, do I embrace these quirks of mine, laugh at them, be accepting that these traits are a part of my personality, or should I suppress them and treat them like defects that need correcting. Can I turn them into something positive, attractive or funny? I suppose this is a theme which will run through my blog and hopefully something positive will come from it.
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