It's taken quite a lot of time over the past year or so to learn how to dissolve my fears in the depth of the night and mostly I'm quite calm but on Friday at 2am, I woke up suddenly with my heart pounding in my chest.
I lay there in the dark wondering what had triggered this. I then realised that it was the usual anxiety about my Mother in Law who had told us earlier in the day that she was feeling quite unwell. I am in Israel at the moment, where we are spending time with our children and grandchildren, who all live here. My Mother in Law is in Manchester. We spend about 60% of our time in Manchester and 40% in Jerusalem, where we have our second home. In Manchester I am the Primary Care Giver of my Mother in Law which means I am responsible for organising all her health and social care. I'm sure more of this will come up as I continue with this blog, but enough for now.
Back to the panic attack.....having realised what had triggered it I then spent about ten minutes running through the most stressful and frightening scenarios I could think of, all involving my return to Manchester. What I was doing was scaring myself silly! This had to stop. All my mindfulness training had gone down the plug hole and I was lost in thought.
What can you do when faced with fear in the middle of the night that has taken you by surprise? It takes a plan of action and hard work but it's vital to have these skills. This is what I do.
1. Breathe. Stop thinking and focus on the breath. Take a long breath in while counting up to eight, hold the breath for four counts, exhale for six counts. Do this ten times. If you can, place the second and third finger of your right hand on your chest, just over your heart so your energy and intention is directed there. By the time you have got to ten cycles, hopefully your heart rate will have slowed down and your body and mind will feel calmer too.
2. Now take some normal breaths for a minute or two, just focusing on the in breath and then the out breath. Every time you realise your mind is wandering, go back to the breath.
3. Imagine you are in a body scanner and very slowly, from the top of your head to the end of your toes, focus on each part of your body bit by bit. If you feel any discomfort or pain, just notice it. Don't judge it or think to much about it. Just say to yourself, oh, I have a buzzing in my right ear, or oh, I have a twinge in my lower back. That is all. Focus on your body and every time you become aware that you are lost in thought, go back to the scan.
4. Go back to the breathing again for another minute or so.
Hopefully by then you will have calmed down enough to be able to go back to sleep, if not, repeat all over again. If you still can't sleep, get up, make yourself a drink and read something a bit lightweight until you feel tired and ready to drop off. This is not the time to analyse your thoughts and feelings, it's time for you to care for yourself and give your mind a break!
The important thing is not to get lost your in your thoughts or to overidentify with your mind. You are not your thoughts, they pop in and out of your head with no input at all. You don't have to believe everything you think. It's really important to know that. When I began to realise that not everything my mind was telling me was true, I felt such a sense of freedom and happiness. I didn't think it was possible!
I know that I am not immune from waking up in fear in the middle of the night, but at least I know how to deal with it now. You too can dissolve the fear that scares the daylights out of you, it just takes a bit of work but it's worth it!
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