Being Here

 Being Here

This is the year I journal. I’ve tried before but without success... I think it’s because I didn’t have a program to follow... free journaling doesn’t seem to work for me. 

So,I subscribed to a program for the year called 

Clearing Physical and Emotional clutter. Each day I get a lesson to follow and then I’m going to journal my progress. I’m hoping that the emotional toolkit I have built will give me the tools to follow this effectively.

So here goes....

Being Here... today’s lesson was to do nothing, just to be here. This was an excellent start because I’m recovering from a tummy bug and there was very little I could do except sit and do very little indeed. Yet I did do one important thing... get over my phobia of throwing up. 

For most of  my life since I was five years old and threw up after eating carrots at school, I have had a fear of vomiting.  In fact I have spent the last couple of years working on overcoming various phobias but this one was THE biggie.  This time I knew that the best thing for me to do was to throw up and that I would probably feel better afterwards no matter how awful the experience would be. So yesterday I just decided to accept the fact that I was going to vomit and let it go..rather than fighting it which actually makes you feel much worse for longer. 

It was horrible... the retching, the heaving, the horrible taste in my mouth, the head in the toilet bowl, the lying on the bathroom floor. Yet, the fear wasn’t there, I felt truly awful but I wasn’t scared. I don’t know what shifted and when but there was a definite shift....  Maybe it was because I had let some of my other fears go, maybe it was when my friend Viv called me fearless, perhaps I shouldn’t even be questioning it too much. One thing I realised that the feeling of nausea is actually worse than the throwing up itself. 

I know this is really an unpleasant subject but I can’t really verbalise it, it’s much better in writing...and I had to get it out! 

“Today is your day, your mountain is waiting, so get on your way” Dr Seuss

So it’s Day 1 and I’ve already climbed a huge mountain, I’m looking forward to the rest of this years challenges